In part 1 of this blog, I introduced the importance of mind & heart preparation for supreme lover skills. I am now going to share 8 steps that, if not practiced before, will bring your intimacy to the next level. Some of them might feel awkward at start. I invite you to approach them playfully, engage your inner child while also taking care not to overstrain them. If all of this feels overwhelming to try on your own, please don't be deterred and get in touch for support. Also, if you had very traumatic experiences in the past, you might find notes on self-help below useful.
Eight steps for amazing lovemaking
1. Set a container.
Agree on the time that all participants are ready to allocate, choose steps given your time resources. Prioritise not rushing over doing as much as possible in one go.
2. Each of you take time to connect to your bodies.
Gently place attention to your feet, sense what you can notice, nothing is also a sensation. Take a couple of deep breaths.
Move to shins, do the same.
Then knees, thighs, genitals, belly, heart, shoulders and arms, throat and head.
3. Warm up your muscles and joints.
Move in circles, side to side, front to back, shake your knees, hips, chest, arms.
4. Take pauses and ask your body.
What does it need now to feel good? Do that. As you move or stretch, give sound to your sensations.
This may feel uncomfortable at first. Ask yourself why?
Around 20 mins for steps 1-3 is usually a good time to practice, but take time to stay in play with your body for as long as it needs to. Once complete, find a comfortable space to be with yourself. Perhaps your partner needs more time. Offer them space.
Once connected with your bodies, you can play with movement together, finding distance that feels good at each point, e.g. 3 meters, 1 meter, 0.5 metres, hug, going apart again. Keep breathing and sounding as you do.
5. Gently come to mutual non-genital touch (if you haven’t yet).
If you never or rarely do, play with asking each other, what kind of touch would feel good, e.g. my favourite: ”How can I make this better?”. Take heart and an explorative spirit, especially you’ve never done this before. Allow each other all the space for feedback and not getting it perfect.
If hard emotions come up, this is a sign of challenging experiences in the past. Pause with touch, find a way to process emotions: deep breaths, longer outbreath and shaking your body are amazing first aids. Here’s a more detailed post on self-regulation.
How does this feel? You might be exhilarated and excited by new experience or you might be challenged. It’s all good, this is all important knowledge for you to have in order to grow your capacity for intimacy.
Take time to pause, do nothing for a few minutes and just breath together, looking into each others eyes, naming sensations and feelings. If you can be with each others coolness as well as with each others vulnerabilities, you’re all set.
This step might take anywhere between 10 mins and few hours. This might be all you need or want for the night. And it may feel more fulfilling than much of the sex you’ve had. That’s what I’ve heard hundreds say, once they’ve tried.
*If you had traumatic experiences in the past, strong physical or emotional discomfort discomfort might come up, take this very slowly, with baby steps. If you find yourself having a very strong visceral reactions, self-regulation is a great self-aid.
6. Moving to genital touch with readiness.
Now use all you’ve done in steps 1-4 for genital area touch, kissing, licking, etc.
Ask if another is ready and willing to receive.
Pause with reverence, breath into your heart.
Look into each others eyes as you place your hands firmly in the groin area.
Use gently wide strokes throughout the area, coming over inner legs, belly and heart at times. For female genitals, take care not to brush upwards from perineum as this may feel unpleasant on the clit.
Play with stretching the skin, communicating continuously on how this feels.
Take time to pause and do nothing, come to embracing if it feels good.
Enter only when a person is wanting to be entered. Ask them, better wait for them to be so aroused that they pull you in.
Keep listening and sensing your partner, asking questions.
When it’s time to conclude, communicate that, find a way to gently exit. Place your hands again on the whole area, take a few breaths and take them off.
7. Switch & Play.
Find a balance between giving and receiving, being active and passive, switch roles around.
8. Closing the container.
Find a conclusion that would feel good for both via open communication, e.g. an embrace, breathing together for 5-10 cycles, a sharing.
Conscious sexuality offers a path to deeper intimacy and enhanced connection with yourself & your partner. These seven transformative tips are your roadmap to a more fulfilling love life. Remember that the key lies in presence, communication, and a willingness to explore.
As you practice these techniques, be patient. Each step brings you closer to a more profound connection. Whether you're new to conscious sexuality or experienced, there's always room for growth.
Embrace this journey with an open heart. Your intimate life can be a source of joy and transformation. Start today and let it lead you to a deeper, more satisfying connection with your partner and yourself.